A Tribute to my Grandmother

I think we all have one person in our lives that we feel a special connection with (besides our spouses).  There is a strong bond that is difficult to explain but so powerful that it lasts a lifetime.  This is the best way for me to explain the powerful relationship that I have with my paternal grandmother.

She was such a fascinating person and there was so much depth to her life.  And as close as we were while she was alive we are just now getting to know each other even better after her death.  I find myself becoming more like her every day.  Finally understanding many of the decisions that she made in her life.

My grandma (that's what I called her and it fits perfectly, she wouldn't have felt comfortable with Granny or Gram and Grandmother would have been to stuffy) lived in New York and was a school teacher before she had children.  She loved learning, gardening, artwork, flowers, cooking, sewing and literature.  My assumption is that her love for cooking and sewing came as she became a wife.  I imagine that she was a lot like me as a young adult.  Having high aspirations for her career and dreaming big about becoming an author, floral designer or world traveler.  But God had an even bigger calling for her, to be a wife and mother (this is a photo of her with my dad, isn't she beautiful?).

My grandma didn't talk about herself a lot so there are a lot things I do not know.  But later in her life and even after her death I started getting to know this woman on a deeper level.  My grandma loved me very much, this I know.  At the same time there was a sadness about her that you could not ignore.  I knew that she had lost a child, but shortly after she died my grandfather told me that she had actually lost three children.  Now that I have children of my own I can only imagine the pain that she faced which explained the sadness that poured from her.  But her own pain did not change the way she cared for others.

She was a very thrifty homemaker.  She cooked three meals a day and those meals always looked alike.  Grapefruit and cereal for breakfast with a small glass of orange juice, sandwiches with sliced cheese for lunch and meat and potatoes for dinner.  There were always chocolate chip cookies waiting in the freezer, but she made sure to remind you not to eat too many.  My grandparents hardly ever went out to eat.  Even as they traveled across country they would make their meals in their hotel room or motor home.   She was a simple woman who put value on people and relationships rather than material items.  Her jewelry was meaningful to her because they came from her husband and sons.  And I will always cherish them because she wanted to give them to me.  

My grandma pushed me.  She always believed in me and wanted me to believe in myself.  She encouraged me to read, do well in school and love God.  While I couldn't see my future as a wife and mother she could.  I was so focused on finding the American dream that I lost sight of God's purpose for me.  There were times that she forcefully tried to teach me to cook or sew.  But most of the time it was a gentle reminder or simple note.

These books were give to me on my 13th birthday.  Saying that I did not appreciate them would be an understatement.  There is a good chance that I didn't even open them.  But years later when going through some things I opened the books.  And in them was my grandma's handwriting.  One book (These Wonderful People) simply said, From My Bookshelf.  And the other (Fair is Our Land) said, This book is almost 50 years old, but these places will never change.  Hidden inside one of the book was a measurements pamphlet taken from a Betty Crocker cookbook.  Another gently reminder from my grandmother to take my job seriously!

The truth is that as a teenager and young adult I never appreciated my grandmother.  I loved her and was fascinated by her, but I did not appreciate her like I can now.  There were many times that she wanted to teach me skills that would make me a better keeper of my home, but those weren't important to me.  Little did I know that I would later ache to know what she had been trying to teach me.  There are so many days when I wish my grandmother was here to teach me, guide me, tell me she is proud of me.  But all I can do now is thank God for the influence she has had on my life and pass that on to the next generation.

My Memorization Challenge-Updated

In THIS POST I made a confession about my poor attitude when I was not able to participate in the Esther bible study at our church.  Which was followed by the calling from God to memorize scripture and my hesitant commitment to take on the challenge.

I have to admit that even as I wrote that post I was wondering how in the world I was going to be able to memorize the entire book of Philippians.  Actually, I am still struggling with that.  You have to realize that this is the same woman who most often can't remember how many years old I am.

But as he always does God has shown me that it is not my will, but his, and anything is possible when the Holy Spirit intervenes.

So this is an updates of sorts.  For the first couple of verses I was in the honeymoon phase and couldn't get enough of memorizing God's word.  Something powerful happens when you obey God and I immediately realized the benefits of being filled with God's word.  But after a couple of verses I started to get a little weary.  My brain kept saying too full, please delete.  I never considered giving up, but there reality hit me that I realized I wasn't even 5 verses in and had a long, long way to go.

But then my verse purse arrived!  And holding those verses in my hand I was reminded that God called me to do this and very soon I will see his purpose, his divine will.

Now that I have settled in with God's word in the book of Philippians I have realized that it is going to take steady, consistent work to see this to completion.  It is not going to happen over night.  God wants to me to dwell in his word, to fully understand it's meaning and what it means to my life.  I have to read it, re-read it, pray over it, write it, type it, hear it over and over again.  God wants me to live it, breathe it, feel it., know it.

For example, I was struggling to move past a few verses. And that is when I realized God needed to work in my heart on that specific topic.

And this is my prayer: that your love may abound more and more in knowledge and depth of insight, so that you may be able to discern what is best and may be pure and blameless until the day of Christ.....  Philippians 1:9-10

This is not the first time that God has worked on my heart when it comes to loving others.  I must know them to love them.  I must have insight from God's word to love them no matter what.  I must be pure and blameless in my own words and actions before my love for others can be felt.

Go visit Kristi over at Good Like a Medicine to see what she is giving away on her blog!  She has some great new fabrics and verses available.  The marriage and childbirth/labor verse cards both caught my eye (no, I'm not pregnant-just love birth).

THIS IS HIM SERVING GOD

My husband is the most amazing man.  I know, I know everyone reading this thinks that their husband is amazing too, right?  Let me explain what I mean.  My husband is perfect for ME.  I truly believe that God created us for each other.  And that's not to say that we never argue or get aggravated with each other.  We do.  

But a beautiful thing happens within a healthy marriage.  As you go about your everyday life experiencing ups and downs, good and bad days you learn more about yourself and other people.  But in the end there you are, stronger than before, and still united.

But back to why my husband is so amazing.  

He's a manly man and I like my man to be manly.  If something breaks he can fix it.   If someone has something big and heavy he can lift it.  He can drive big trucks and tractors.  He works so hard that he wears holes in his jeans and socks.  He works hard outside in the summer heat and grows a beard in the winter.   He works hard for us.

He doesn't get his feelings hurt, except by me.  He is brutally honest, even when it is hard and doesn't apologize for it.  He believes in God, Jesus Christ and the power of the Holy Spirit, and he doesn't apologize for it.  He is a wonderful example to our children.  And he expects a lot from me, but is gentle when I mess up.

I am in love with this photo of Nathan on our family Mission trip.  This is him serving God.  This is what it looks like.  He's hot, dirty and tired.  He brought his family with him and was thrilled we were there.  And he can't wait to do it again!

ZEAL

 We are studying words from the dictionary of NIV terms.  I let the kids take turns randomly selecting a word to study and for some reason they like the idea of just randomly picking a word rather than systematically going through the words (oh wait a minute, maybe they get that from me).

Today's word is ZEAL

Impassioned devotion to a person or a cause.

Carter quickly said, "mommy, is that why you want to make sure babies get to live.  Because you are ZEAL?"

I laughed because it was almost as if I had been given a super hero name.  Mommy Zeal-helping babies get to live!

Just as quickly I felt a heaviness that I am faced with often.

At that moment I was reminded that I do have impassioned devotion to a person or a cause.  And for better or worse that person is women and girls and the cause is those faced with choosing or denying an abortion.  Not because I want to judge anyone else, take someones rights away or preach a legalistic view of my interpretation of what the bible has to say about life or when it begins.  The truth is I do not have the energy, desire or vocabulary to do any of  those things.

I imagine my ZEAL as A GIFT tied up with a big red bow.  There are many days that I wish MY GIFT could be something else.  For instance, how joyful and exhilarated I would be if  MY GIFT was to ride as many roller coasters as possible in a year, taking others on the journey with me.  Sharing MY GIFT with friends would come easy and others would see me as the crazy roller coaster mom, instead of constantly wondering if I am making a difference while treading lightly enough not to offend.  I have moments where I appreciate MY GIFT and see it for what it is.  But most often I am tired, busy and just too afraid of "going there".  I put MY GIFT on the shelf and ignore it, try to give it away or kick it while screaming out to God "Why me, haven't I suffered enough.  Why can't I just rest for a while".   But then I wake up the next morning and there it is waiting for me to obey.

My ZEAL started as unhealthy hurt as I struggled with the fact that my mother was told to abort me (not an unborn baby-ME).  Those feelings started as a child when family members would say "you are lucky that you are here because the doctors said that your mother should have aborted you".  Many admitted that they had believed that my mother should have had an abortion.  And to be honest, it hurt.

My ZEAL was reinforced as my mother met several women who had abortions and needed healing.  Sitting in front of a birthday cake covered in candles going out one by one as tears poured down from their face.  I have heard their stories and they are powerful memorials to the life they ended.  I have seen the GRACE OF GOD bring healing and joy to these women when the world only brings them shame and persecution. 

My ZEAL for the unborn was challenged as the debate always settles on "the health of the mother".  Because the truth is my mother's health declined because of her pregnancy and my birth.  There is substantial research that indicates that if my mother terminated she very likely would have had a more positive outcome.  I know that she BELIEVES that even with her physical and mental limitations her quality of life was improved by MY LIFE. 

My ZEAL has an ignited passion for women who are faced with abortion due to low income and resources, being a single parent, physical or mental limitations, lack of support, fear, loneliness, pressure from family...because I KNOW that life is meaningful even in difficult circumstances.  That where we are in one moment may, and often does, change.  I have never met a woman who said if I would have had an abortion my life would be better, more fulfilled (not to say there are not women out there that feel that way, but I have never met them).

And because I am a slow learner everything above wasn't enough.  For years I had wondered what I would have done in my mothers shoes.  Would I have made the same decision?  God made me face my deepest, darkest fear when I was four months pregnant with our first child.  Sitting in the same hospital I was born in doctors told us that I had the same blood clotting disorder as my mother and I had a 50% chance of survival*.  They suggested an abortion as my best option, more than once.  At home sitting on the cold bathroom floor we let the tears fall.  We were scared, hurting and angry.  It was time to open MY GIFT.  Would I have made the same decision if I had not lived through it before?  I don't know.  But I do know that when  we are willing the HOLY SPIRIT can, and does, do amazing work.  **We learned that a baby aspirin a day cures this condition without any other medical condition, and does not merit an abortion.

Now if you are still out there I want to say that I completely understand how abortion is a very hot topic.  It's political and personal and I realize that.  Trust me, I agonize over that.  I have friends who have been through it and when invited I helped them through (and it was a long, hard journey).  It has taken a lot of maturing to get to the place I am at now.  And I still have a long way to go.  

I also realize that abortion is very complex.  Women do not take the decision lightly and there are usually many reasons that they follow down that path.  I also know that simply investing time and money into pregnancy support centers is not the answer (although they do wonderful work in those clinics).  Physicians and doctors need to put more research into conditions and health problems that they feel condone an abortion.  Women need assistance to cheaper health care and support once the baby is born.  

This is NOT MY GIFT~ Picketing abortion clinics, debating abortion online or in forums, judging women, doctors, or nurses who have had or assisted in abortion, devoting endless time to calling my congressman and signing petitions, pushing the issue, and trying to change those on the choice side's mind (I am not saying this is not your GIFT, but I know that it is not mine).

My Gift is to help ANY WOMAN who is carrying a child no matter her circumstances and without judgement.  I can do this by simply providing real, substantial support through listening, giving and prayer.

And this is what I BELIEVE

~EVERY WOMAN deserves to BELIEVE that no matter her circumstances, through HOPE~FAITH~LOVE, she can carry a baby to term.  And that it is her CHOICE whether she becomes a parent or GIVES her child to someone else so they can become a parent.

~PREGNANCY~CHILDBIRTH~PARENTING is very difficult and challenging.  NONE of us are capable of accomplishing the physical and mental tasks that are required to raise a child.  Only the HOLY SPIRIT can provide what we need, when we need it, ONE DAY AT A TIME.  And that HOLY SPIRIT is available to EVERYONE.

~MOTHERHOOD was not intended to be exclusively for the elite, wealthy, educated, mentally stable, married, courageous, happy, sexually pure, mature adults.

~WOMEN who have had abortions BELIEVE that they had no other option at that time in their life.  But MOST women I know who have had abortions do suffer emotionally and sometimes physically at some point after their abortion.  What they once thought was a right or choice becomes a lie and regret.   

~My job is to show others the love of CHRIST JESUS.  His job is to change their HEARTS and MINDS.

The truth is that we do not have to go searching for OUR GIFT, our ZEAL.  It's already there.  We know what it is.  We just have to obey.

Feeding Baby~Naturally

Several times in the last couple of weeks I have been asked two questions.

The first, when are you going to start Lilah on solids?  

I think that people are genuinely concerned when they hear that I didn't start Lilah on baby food at 4 months (or before).  There is a misconception that breast milk is not adequate enough for babies, partnered with an urgency to "buy" baby it's first foods. My answer is no, but I will begin around the seventh month.

The second question, are you going to make your own baby food, makes me giggle because I assume that they do not ask this question to every mother they know.

So I wonder what gave it away?  The fact that I chose to birth naturally, cloth diaper, exclusively breast feed, homeschool?  Maybe I need to stop wearing that jumper dress with the apple applique' (just joking, and not meant to offend anyone wearing one right now).

So here's our feeding plan, plain and simple.

Newborn-6 Months

Come to visit us anytime in the first two months and you will notice that I pretty much have a baby attached to me all the time.  And Nathan will be calling us the Booby Buffet, Mama's Milk Machine-you get the idea.  I nurse only and often to make sure I have a good milk supply and that baby gets the hang of it.  We choose not to use bottles or pacifiers and are blessed to be able to.  But if you need to supplement there are great tips and ideas on pumping and bottle feeding out there.

After 6 Months

~We start with infant cereal.  Just a few tablespoons a day until baby "figures it out".  I use breastmilk in my cereal, but you can also use warm water.  A friend of mine recently asked how I get the breastmilk in there when I don't pump.  I'll leave that for you to figure out, wink-wink.

~Next we will slowly incorporate fresh carrot juice to the infant cereal to add a new flavor.

~This is how we make our own baby food from fruits and veggies (it may appear too simple, but that's because it is).

  1.  Pick your own squash, carrots, green beans, pumpkin, sweet potatoes, peas, apples, peaches, pears, or any other available fruit or veggie from your garden (if you don't have it fresh in your garden grab a bag of frozen fruit or veggie from the freezer), (if you don't have any in the freezer go to your local farmers market), (if winter is here you can go to the grocery store and purchase fresh, frozen or canned (no salt added) fruits and veggies).

  2.  If they are soft foods like peaches and pumpkin you will not have to heat them.  Other foods will have to be heated either on the stove or in the microwave.  

  3.  Put them in the blender and add water slowly until you get the desired consistency.  When you first start baby on foods you will want them to be super fine adding more texture as they get older.

  4.  Most often baby will eat the the same fruits and veggies we are eating that day.  But if I make too much or have a bushel of squash from the garden I will make and freeze.  Just pour the food into ice cube trays and freeze.  Once they are done you can dump them into a freezer bag and you are ready for food on the go.

 

9 Months and Beyond

Around the 9 month mark I start feeding baby mashed up foods that we are eating as a family.  This helps me to prepare healthy fruits and veggies for us and also allows baby to become part of the family sharing in meals with us.

Babies milk source will continue to come from me until at least 18 months and then we will add soy or cow milk.

My goal is that baby will have eaten as many foods as possible by the time she is 18 months old (except cow milk, butter, salt, sugar, peanuts or any other food that is labeled inappropriate for infants-it's an ever changing list).

There is also the cost factor.  If you ever purchased jarred baby food you know how expensive it is.  And if you haven't you will probably be in shock when you see the price.  Not to mention that baby food has got to have the highest food/packaging ratio on the market!

This method was not recommended by a Doctor and is my own preference for feeding our children.

Daily Reads

In an effort to live lighter I have cleared my Bookmarks from my computer.  The sites that I visit most often have been added to my sidebar under Daily Reads.  If you would like your blog or website added to my list please leave a comment under this post.

It's a Start

You may remember this post where I announced my goal of an attitude of gratitude and an eagerness to start making things for the girls with my hands.

The attitude of gratitude has improved, but I still have more work to do.  One thing I realized about myself is that when I committed to saying two positive things for every negative comment I found myself speaking less.  That is an improvement in itself, but not exactly what I was going for.  I was intentionally stopping myself from saying something negative so I wouldn't have to come up with something positive.  Whoa!  Is it possible that I am not as positive as I think I am?

And do you notice that adorable little girl?  That is sweet Lilah at 5 months old, 5 months, can you believe it?

I crocheted that pink and green headband she is wearing.  I had actually made it for Elizabeth, but it didn't fit.  And Nathan thinks she looks like she is ready for a pick up game of one on one.  But it's a start, and you have to start somewhere!